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Spam

 

Yes, it quivers. Yes, it's pink. Yes, it makes a burping noise when it slides out of the can. But whatever you do in Hawaii, WHATEVER YOU DO, don't diss Spam!

The glistening brick of pork product is hallowed comfort food in the islands. It's right up there in the pantheon with poi, malassadas and shave ice. It's a rare local who doesn't have a can sitting in the cupboard right now, or who didn't grow up with a stash of the salty staple.

Spam is what you fried up and took on family picnics to the beach. Spam is what your mom strapped on top of rice with a strip of nori and brought for the whole team after football practice. Spam is what locals take to homesick, salivating relatives in deprived parts of the mainland.

You may have heard the statistics: nearly 7 million cans sold in the state every year, about six cans for every man, woman and child. In terms of per-capita Spam consumption, Hawaii outshines the rest of the nation.

But did you know:

• When a dock strike threatens, the top three items local people raid stores for are rice, toilet paper and Spam?
• 7-Eleven in Hawaii sells four varieties of Spam musubi?
• You can buy not one, but two cookbooks dedicated to Spam recipes?
• After Hurricane Iniki ravaged Kauai, among donations of water and diapers were cases of Spam, with taped-on signs reading, "We're with you, Kauai!"
• An entire genre of haiku extols the virtues and mysteries of Spam?
• Waikiki celebrates the meaty brick with an annual Spam Jam, which baffles tourists, closes down Kalakaua Avenue and is scheduled for next April 26?
• An empty aluminum Spam can weighs twice as much as a soda can?
• In the rare event of an earthquake, a brick of Spam sitting on the counter serves as an early indicator?
• Hormel's roving Spammobile has been here only once?
• Hawaii's reigning Mr. Spam is Wade Balidoy, whose winning ballad concludes, "I do like sunnyside eggs and SPAM! Thank you! Thank you! Oh wonderful SPAM!"
• And the Number 1 rule about Spam in Hawaii: eating it "raw" is socially unacceptable. The only exceptions to this are Spam slivers in salad or saimin. Hard to believe? Try telling a local you eat Spam raw. Now, that's gross.